8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
A Short Story.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
waiting for halloween be like:
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
A leaf blower, but for people.