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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
‘I know a black person’
– White people
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.