My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
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My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.