AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.