Battery falling down a hole
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea