I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”