why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
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If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
happy friday
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.