Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
OMG 🤣🤣
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process