scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
This is Sparta
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you