I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.