I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
When someone trying to leave me
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines