New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
You Might Also Like
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
ACED my prostate exam!
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.