Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave