I have questions??
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*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.