The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
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math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.