me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Was it something I said?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway