I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
🙄😏😂🤣
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so