WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband