When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
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Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
How all things should be taught/explained.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?