I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I’m sorry…what?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven