HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
You Might Also Like
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.