Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
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*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I have a black belt in leather
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Who knew!
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”