date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
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Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
This probably isn’t good
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around