I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
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It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good