Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I’ve had relationships like this
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
They’re on their honeymoon
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.