Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
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[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
The Punning Dead.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down