What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
You Might Also Like
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Buck naked
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?