mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
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Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.