“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
<- sleeps well with others
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.