me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Sheep
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.