Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
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[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won鈥檛 unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon