Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
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A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
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Morningbreath
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The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
This a good idea
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.