A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.