*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.