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“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Goat cheese is for herders.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.