Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Had to try this trend 😊
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.