dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
just gave your address to some spiders
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.