*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Where is your GOD now????
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
How do horror writers compete with current events?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler