Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Beware…..
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me sliding into hell like
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings