If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
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I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”