I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
What’s a Messi?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today