Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Not messing around
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it