4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
You Might Also Like
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*