Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
is this meant to deter me
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?