I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
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Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
normalize having existential bread
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Dead sexy!!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer