If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.