Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
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I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Me trying to look natural in photos
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?