If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
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Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.