Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
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Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
This made me smile…
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉