i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
You Might Also Like
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Very good! 👍😂
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure